It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
