Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
