He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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