I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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