my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize