i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
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