Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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