were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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