There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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