Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize
