my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
