you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize