So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
