i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
