I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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