my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
