i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
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