1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
two words: eviction party
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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