I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
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