Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
