when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize