Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
