Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
