I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
