so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
