I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
