I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
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