She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
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