Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
