My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
