it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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