haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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