oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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