my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
