i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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