ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
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