How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize