Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Randomize