I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Randomize
