my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
