I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
