My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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