I'm pants shitting drunk right now
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
