this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Randomize
