we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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