So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Too much dab too little lung dying 😵😵😵
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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