I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Randomize
