Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
