Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
