the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
