Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
