Your favorite bartender is back from prision
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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