a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
