You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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