Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
