fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
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