i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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