I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Randomize
